Technoference: parents struggle with screen time too (and kids notice)

It’s a Sunday afternoon. The weather isn’t great, so you decide on a family movie day. The popcorn is popped, and everyone is snuggled up on the couch. You’re about 15 minutes in, and you hear “ping!” Not even thinking, you pick up your phone, read the message and respond.

That’s technoference – an interruption caused by technology, whether it’s a call, message or app notification. It happens more often than you likely notice because we’ve all become conditioned to “just check” every time our device signals urgency.

But what about the kids watching you? How does technoference affect them? What does your behaviour teach them about technology and our relationship to it and each other?

Disrupting connection

Findings published in JAMA Pediatrics indicate that more than 70% of parents use electronic devices during meals or family games, and 89% check their phones while interacting with their children.

What are the effects of that technoference? Researchers from the University of Calgary and The University of Western Ontario conducted a study with parents and their 13- to 18-month-old children. They recorded them playing with books and toys.

During the moments when parents checked their phones or smart watches, they were almost six times more likely to miss their children’s signals. The research also found that technoference led to kids producing and knowing fewer words.

Newport Healthcare, a behavioural healthcare provider in the U.S., conducted a study with 600 teens aged 12 to 17. The researchers wanted to gain a better understanding of how technoference can affect teens’ relational safety with their primary caregivers.

Dr. Don Grant, media psychologist and Newport Healthcare’s national advisor of healthy device management, was inspired to do the research based on a conversation he had with a colleague several years ago. She told him her daughter innocently asked her if she loved her phone more than her. That exchange echoed sentiments he was also hearing from patients about parents paying attention to screens during bids for connection. Patients recounted feeling devalued, dismissed and unimportant.

Dr. Grant found that when teens had to compete with their parents’ phones for attention, it contributed to them having an insecure attachment style. Insecure attachment can either create a neediness for reassurance in relationships or the avoidance of relationships to lessen the chances of emotional pain.

According to Dr. Grant, “The study serves as a reminder that children notice how adults use technology and may interpret repeated distraction as emotional unavailability.”

Model the behaviour you want to see

So many families treat screen time as a kid-only issue. But it’s also a parent issue. Conversations and boundaries around healthy screen use should include and apply to all family members, not just kids.

As a parent or caregiver, how can you honestly assess if your own screen time is excessive and interfering in your relationships? Ottawa-based family counselling charity Serenity for Families suggests asking yourself these series of questions:

• Do family and friends complain they have to compete with your device for attention?
• Do you use your device to avoid social interactions?
• Do you get a rush from checking your device?
• Do you take your device everywhere you go?
• Do you keep your device on the table during meals at home and at restaurants?
• Do you interrupt yourself or others to check messages?

To reduce the instances of technoference in your family, set a family contract around how and when devices can be used. Some things to consider including are:

• Insist on screen-free time: meals, bedtime routine, family activities and one-on-one conversations are all opportunities to be present, fully connected and curious. Try to eliminate screens from any of those experiences.
• Rules apply across the board: what’s good for the kids is good for the parents. Make sure you have one set of screen rules for the whole family, so everyone feels they are being treated fairly.
• Be transparent: if you do need to use your device when you’re with your kids, be specific about why you’re using it and for how long. For example, you can say, “I just need to respond to these two messages from Gramma.” Respond to those messages and then put the phone away.
• Acknowledge bids for connection: if you’re working from home or in the middle of an important text conversation, you don’t need to put your device away immediately every time your child wants your attention. But let them know you’ve heard them and what they want matters. And make sure they know you will make time for them and set an expectation for when that will be.

Most of us reach for our devices without even thinking. But the research shows kids notice more than we realize, and it affects them more than we might expect. Be aware of how often technoference cuts into family time, then model the habits you want to see in your kids. Children learn by watching us. When you put your device away and give them your full attention, it shows them they matter most.