New research reveals what parents know about their kids’ digital lives

Parents play an important role in helping their kids learn positive online behaviours and become responsible digital citizens. But how much do parents really know about what their kids are doing online? And what are they most concerned about?

To answer these questions, PREVNet and TELUS Wise joined forces to launch a national survey of Canadian parents about their experiences with technology, and their childrens’ experiences with online bullying, sexting and wellbeing in our digital world. We spoke with Dr. Wendy Craig* from PREVNet about the key findings - what parents know (or assume) about their kids’ online behaviours and experiences, and how parents can support their kids to become more aware, accountable and responsible digital citizens.

Q: You did a similar study in 2018. Why did you revisit the research in 2021?

WC: We were interested in the trends in the context of the pandemic and wanted to explore if parents’ concerns stayed the same or changed over time. Since 2018, kids’ time spent online has definitely increased. According to the most recent research, 66% of youth spend one to five hours online every day, and 78% of parents report that their families became more reliant on the Internet during the pandemic.

Q: What are some of the key themes coming out of this most recent research?

WC: The first theme is around screen time. While it isn’t surprising that kids are spending more time online, particularly during COVID, many parents are concerned about the time their children spend online, the content they may be exposed to, and who they are interacting with. For a long time, there was a focus on how much time kids are spending online, and the thought was that the more time kids spend online, the more negative it is for them. But more recent research has found that spending time online does not necessarily mean kids are more exposed to negative influences and experiences. In fact, increased time online can be productive either educationally, emotionally, socially or recreationally. Despite this, 62% of parents are still concerned about how much time kids are spending online. It is really important that we move away from demonizing time spent online and instead focus on what kids are actually doing online, the content they’re exposed to, and who they are interacting with virtually. One way parents can find out what their children are doing is to go online with them and let their children show them and teach them about the things they are doing. Another way is to do what 52% of parents are already doing: have a conversation – ask them!

The cyberbullying findings in this recent research is really interesting. Only 13% of parents reported actually knowing that their kids have been cyberbullied; however, our youth survey tells us that 40% of youth are being bullied online. So, there is a fairly significant gap between what youth are experiencing and what their parents are aware of. To help address this gap, parents need to learn how to have what I call, “courageous conversations”, and ask their kids directly about cyberbullying. Parents also need to know how to identify when problematic behaviour is happening in their kids’ lives online. When parents know about cyberbullying, many are speaking to their children about it and providing education, support and coping strategies. However, about one third of parents are engaging in strategies that are not effective – for instance, they are restricting internet use or suggesting that their child bully back.

Q: Is cyberbullying happening that often? Should it be such a concern for parents?

WC: In our most recent survey of youth, 40% said they had been electronically bullied compared to 42% in 2015, so the instances are stable over time despite the increase in screen time overall. That said, the high prevalence rate is alarming, and it is appropriate that 41% of parents are concerned about it. For both the youth who are experiencing cyberbullying, as well as their families – it is a stressful and traumatic experience.

It is true that the online world is becoming more complex, and there are real life threats out there that can harm kids. In COVID, many youth and their parents have spent significant time each day on the Internet. For youth who are experiencing cyberbullying, there can seem like there’s no escape. I think the fear of the unknown of what is happening to your child online - whether or not they are experiencing cyberbullying - causes a lot of anxiety and worry for parents coming from a protective instinct to keep their kids safe.

Q: Sexting is something that many parents may not be overly familiar with. What insights did you gain about sexting from the research?

WC: There is a contrast between what youth say about sexting (based on the previous youth survey) and what parents tell us they’re concerned about in this most recent survey. Surprisingly, most parents think their kids have never sexted (sent a nude image) or received one. Yet from our youth survey, we learned that 56% of kids age 12-18 have sent consensual sexts. So parents are not aware of what their youth are doing online. Parents are able to best support their youth and their online activities when they are able to have open, warm, and trusting conversations about what is going on in their children’s lives on and off line.

Q: What are some key takeaways for parents?

WC: Social media is a central aspect of children and youth’s lives. Engage with your kids online to understand what they are doing, who they are interacting with, and what content they’re exposed to. View social media with a new lens - think about ways to support your kids to maximize the benefits of being online and help them stay connected with others online in positive ways. Provide them with support to navigate the online world.

It is important to understand that more time spent online does not mean that kids are at a greater risk for cyberbullying. Have courageous conversations and talk to youth about cyberbullying and sexting. There is a gap between parents’ knowledge about their childrens’ experiences with cyberbullying and sexting and actual youth experiences. To close this gap, we need to work to equip parents with the tools required to better identify if their child is experiencing or perpetrating cyberbullying. This may include educating them about the warning signs and providing them with conversation starters and suggestions for how to discuss the topic with their children.

Parents also need to learn strategies for how best to support their children who may be experiencing bullying online. Encouraging them to be aggressive back will only serve to escalate the situation. Restricting use of social media further isolates children from their peer group who may provide support and connection for them. Restricting Internet use and taking away devices does not work either - and it doesn't help kids learn how to navigate the good and the bad of our digital world. Monitoring Internet use, on the other hand, can be effective if done so transparently – meaning kids have knowledge that their parents are monitoring, and they have given consent. But if monitoring is done sneakily, it violates and jeopardizes trust. Strategies that work include: listening, supporting, problem solving in practical ways, and seeking professional help when needed.

When it comes to sexting, just like the other critical and sometimes uncomfortable conversations we have as parents, we need to introduce the topic of sexting when talking with our children. We need to engage in a dialogue about respect, healthy relationships, consent, peer pressure, and overall safety when it comes to sexting and growing up in our digital world.

Q: What advice do you have for parents to help keep them in-the-know on what’s happening in their kids' digital lives?

WC: We know that restricting online use is not an effective strategy, so I recommend the opposite. Take the opportunity to engage with your child. Find out what they are doing online. Have them show you what they are interested in, let them set up an account for you, play their favourite game with them. It is important for you to understand what your kids are doing online, how they are making decisions and who they’re interacting with. Time spent engaging with your child and learning about their digital activities can alleviate a lot of parental fears. It also allows parents to have conversations in the moment based on their child’s actual reality online rather than assumptions and fears about what they may be doing. Within these types of conversations, parents can assess where their child is in terms of critical thinking capabilities, while meeting them where they are online and empowering them to educate you. How often do kids get to be in charge and be the expert for their parents? If you come from an open, curious place rather than presupposing or prejudging, you are sending the message to your child that you trust them and want to learn from them. Engaging with your child and talking from that place moves you away from being online as “good” or “bad” and has the potential to be a lot of fun.

Q: What do you want people to take away from this research?

WC: We walk our kids to school to teach them how to cross the road safely. It’s no different online. We need to allow our children the opportunity to explore and practice navigating their online world, while teaching them how to be safe and respectful digital citizens. Doing so builds a trusting relationship and a safe container for kids to have conversations and share their experiences growing up digital.

As we emerge in the endemic world, it’s time to take the lessons we’ve learned during COVID and move forward differently and with positive momentum. Most importantly, let’s abandon old mindsets that tell us spending a lot of time online is bad. It’s more about how kids spend that time online and what they are doing. The last two years have given many parents an opportunity to spend more time online with their kids. They’ve gained greater understanding of their kids’ skills, abilities and positive experiences. So let’s continue to be curious and understand what being online means to kids and have more open conversations about safety from their point of view. We’ve all learned things that will keep our kids safer online and allow us to be better digital parents.

For more tips on how to help your kids navigate our digital world, check out these TELUS Wise resources and read the full research report here: Survey of Canadian Parents on Their Children’s Technology and Online Behaviours.

* Dr. Wendy Craig is a professor in the Department of Psychology at Queen’s University, and a leading international scientist and expert on bullying prevention and the promotion of healthy relationships. As co-founder and Scientific Director of PREVNet, Dr. Craig has transformed our understanding of bullying and effectively translated the science into evidence-based practice, intervention and policy. She was recently awarded the Order of Canada.