Helping our kids recognize and respond to hate online

When we think of hate online, what comes to mind may be harassment, conspiracy theories and stereotypes. While these are all too common on the internet, the hate children are more likely to encounter is subtle enough that kids who see it, and even some of the people who share it, may not know it for what it is. This kind of hate builds an emotional connection before introducing any kind of ideological content, making it even harder to spot and to respond to.

A good example is the “manosphere,” a community organized around stereotyped views of men and women. While its more extreme forms fit the common view of hate – like endorsing physical and emotional abuse against women – this is not how it typically reaches kids. Instead, it comes through influencers sharing advice on health, fitness and relationships, as well as from friends or classmates who have absorbed language and jargon like “alphas,” “betas” and “sigmas” (imaginary levels of men’s status, based on long-debunked research on wolf packs), and “sub-5s” (men supposedly rated below 5 out of 10 in attractiveness.)

As those examples suggest, this can appeal to boys who are insecure about relationships, their bodies or ideas about gender. Joining an online community may be a kind of “pre-radicalization,” leading kids to identify with the group before they come to share its beliefs.

Because influencers’ advice often comes in the form of hours-long streams and podcasts, boys feel a real parasocial bond with them. Influencers seem like mentors because they acknowledge, in ways boys rarely see elsewhere, genuine challenges faced by young men like a tighter job market and lower income than past generations of men and lower levels of university enrollment and higher rates of drug-related deaths and suicide than women.

However, the manosphere also teaches boys to see themselves as victims when society tries to prevent violence against women or reduce pay differences between men and women. Where there are victims, there must be villains, and in the manosphere these are women – women who supposedly betray men, judge them, hold sexual power over them, and both attack traditional masculine roles and will reject men who don’t fit into them.

This pushes boys to live up to impossible, dangerous ideals of masculinity. One way they are most likely to encounter manosphere ideas is through “looksmaxing,” which promotes the idea that women are only attracted to a single physical type, encourages boys to rate one another on how well they fit that type, and then sells products and exercises to address the ways that they fall short. As well, because rigid masculinity itself is responsible for many of men’s challenges – by discouraging them from seeking help for mental health issues, or warning them away from jobs not seen as masculine enough – it keeps them from actually addressing those issues.

Even the most mainstream forms of manosphere content have hate at their core. The most essential aspect of hate, othering, paints all members of an out-group as being the same, and essentially different from the in-group. The manosphere does this by making broad claims about gender differences that are supposedly based on evolutionary psychology. These imply an inevitable conflict between men and women, while our supposedly “female-dominated” world is contrasted with the glorious past of male supremacy. Women are seen as secret enemies – pretending to be attracted to “betas” for security while always on the lookout for more desirable “alphas” and “sigmas.”

Given these concerning trends, how can we keep our sons from being drawn into the manosphere? First, make sure they don’t have rigid views about gender when they encounter it. Carefully select media for young children so they see male characters who are admired for traits like kindness, compassion, and curiosity. Once they’re around eight, we can start to have conversations about gender stereotypes they see in the media.

If kids say anything that sounds like it’s drawing on manosphere ideas, listen with empathy and acknowledge their real concerns. Help them understand that there’s nothing wrong with being a boy or a man, or with many of the traits usually associated with masculinity, but that the problems young men face are mostly caused, not cured, by rigid gender roles. You should push back if you hear kids saying things that suggest that all boys or all girls are the same, or that boys and girls are fundamentally different.

Make sure kids know that our connection to influencers often feels more real than it is. Try not to be critical of the influencers themselves, but make certain your kids understand that all influencers are selling something, and that many end up pretending to hold more extreme views than they really do to get more engagement from viewers.

The way that manosphere content has spread into mainstream spaces shows that we can’t fully shield our kids from hate online. That makes it all the more important to ensure they’re able to recognize it, and able to respond to it, in whatever form they encounter it. To learn more about supporting youth in our digital world, access our online workshops at telus.com/WiseWorkshops.